Now and Again

Way back in January when the humidity was low and wearing socks wasn't equivalent to waterboarding, I chose a word for the new year. The word was Now.

As I shared then, I have always, always, always struggled with Now. Summer brings with it more flexibility and more time, both of which make embracing Now a little easier.

The other night Dave took the boys to a nearby town for a night of star gazing with the local astronomy club. I readied Ainsey-boo for bed. We read and rocked and sang. I put her into her crib still wide awake.

Ainsey is great like that. She is a textbook baby. I put her in her crib sleepy but awake and out she goes for about twelve hours. Having birthed children who never got the textbook let alone read it, this is a dream! But on this particular night, I realized that I didn't have to put her in bed awake. She wasn't step one in the four step process of bedding the Dolin children down for the night.

So I picked her up. We snuggled and rocked, snuggled and rocked. I drank all the comfy sweetness that is my precious girl. I love, love, love having one still small enough to call baby.

I embraced Now.

Today has been one high octane day, and it's only just begun.  Earlier, I needed to zip to Walmart for a few items, and John begged to come along. When it comes to shopping, my motto is Just Do It. I know women who enjoy shopping; if I delve into the dusty recesses of my mind, I think I once was one of those women. These days shopping is like ripping off a band aid. Speed is of the essence.

But as I moved through the aisles this morning, I talked to John, my sweet, brown-eyed bundle of passion. I rubbed his blond head, and we shared a few laughs. As we were checking out, he asked for a piece of plastic he had dropped. I handed it to him, and he puckered up to give me a big fat kiss on the lips.

A young woman checking out ahead of me took it all in and said, "Awwww!"

It was a sweet moment, a moment of embracing Now.

Believe me, I have been that cranky mother in the grocery store.You know, the one who makes you cringe and thank God you're not like her.  Emblazoned in my memory is a day I took Tim and Kolbe to one of my last pre-natal appointments with John. I was HUGE, it was a sizzling July day, every body part seemed to be stuck to another body part, and the boys had bickered non-stop on the way to the office. To make matters worse, I had parked on the downhill side of the building. I trudged up the hill to my appointment, glaring at my cantankerous kids, feeling like I couldn't manage another step. I am sure that everything from my posture to my affect screamed irritation.

Suddenly I saw my doctor walking up the sidewalk. I wondered what she was thinking.

Why in the world is she having another baby?

This was not my finest hour.

But you know Jesus fell three times on the way to Calvary. Saint Peter denied the Lord three times. Saint Paul lived with a thorn in his side. Victory comes from persevering in the race before us, picking up our cross once more, or enlisting a friend to help us carry it. I should dwell on the dark moments long enough to repent, regroup, and most importantly move on.

Now is too important to fritter it away bemoaning the Then.