Friday, March 22, 2013

Crazy Laws I would Gladly Enact

I've mentioned a few proposed laws that have made headlines over the past months -- among them, restrictions on extra-large sodas and, in one tony neighborhood, a ban on side-walk chalk.

A subdivision here in Augusta garnered a few headlines when the neighborhood association sued a grandma for putting a pink playhouse in her backyard. Seems a subdued khaki or a tasteful olive drab were the colors of choice and pink was verboten. Never mind that you couldn't spot the playhouse from the street or even from the owner's driveway. These types of neighborhoods sport tall privacy fences, and they're called that for a reason. But, sadly, a neighbor could catch a glimpse of this subversive structure from the upstairs back window or something.  Legal briefs went a flyin'.

If you're in need of a laugh and a dose of clear thinking, please head over to Rage Against the Minivan and read about Taking Holidays Down a Notch. This post led me to draft Seven Crazy Laws I'd Gladly Enact. So here they are:

1. Gifts bags would be abolished. No new holiday would be added without a widespread referendum of Moms who don't own stock in Pinterest  and who aren't dentists . No school would celebrate Pi Day, Daylight Savings Time, or the invention of the integrated circuit. Valentine's Day would heretofore be celebrated on a Saturday. Half birthdays would be verboten, thereby rewarding those long-suffering women who survived the summer months great with child and managed to labor before Labor Day.

Penalty: I'm thinking of an all day birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese attended solely by children with confirmed ADHD diagnoses and perhaps a few sensory integration issues. The party would  be supervised by a single parent who's a little short on cash and is accompanied by a toddler or two terrified of overly friendly, life-sized rodents.

2. All coats and sweaters -- anything that could remotely be designated Outerwear -- would be required to have a simple, sturdy loop attached at the tag area.

Penalty: Each and every violator would be buried in a mound of jackets, hoodies, back packs, and super hero capes while being severely beaten with a lady bug umbrella and a pink vinyl purse.

3. On a related note, hooks would be required to -- get this -- actually hold something up. Tasteful, artsy, but otherwise useless hooks would be summarily banned.

Penalty: See above.

4. Children's toothpaste would be clear or, better yet, come in colors matching a) a porcelain sink or b) the wall adjacent to the sink or c) the shower curtain five feet away from the sink.

Penalty: Violators would scrub neon-green toothpaste from every surface of the bathroom with their own toothbrush and then be forced to brush with bubble-gum flavored Crest for kids.

5. Children's socks would come in two colors and two colors only: navy and white.  Manufacturers would be required to add yellow stripes on the toe indicating size. The stripes would not be visible outside the shoe just in case Mom really gets a wild hair and chooses to mix sizes six and seven. Girls' socks would have a simple, tasteful scallop. The end. No other adornment would be permissible -- I mean, none -- no sports logos or army tanks, no hearts or flowers.

Penalties: Violators would be forced to don eye-glasses designed to mimic the far-sightedness of a forty-eight year-old woman. They would be seated on a lumpy couch in a dimly lit room and required to match a truckload of socks in varying shades of grey, navy, and black while watching reruns of The Biggest Loser.

6. Checkout lines would be void of merchandise. No beef jerky, no candy. No Polly Pockets, no Matchbox cars. Wine would be permissible, as long as it's dry and reasonably priced. Absolutely no magazines of any kind. No pictures of the Kardashians to give my three-year-old daughter insight into what real women look like. No Cosmo offering helpful tips to spice up your intimate life and giving my new reader a chance to say "SSS ehhh ex. Sex! What's that, Mama?"

Penalty: I'm thinking the violator would be forced to have a serious conversation with the parish priest or a little old lady while his three and five-year-old children practice their new vocab words within ear shot.

7. While we're on the subject of grocery stores, by law the diaper aisle would be free of any item even hinting at fitness or diets. Hence, Slim Fast would not be shelved across from the strained carrots as it is in one store I frequent. Really, why don't we just hang a rack of bathing suits, add more fluorescent lights, and install a three way mirror?

Penalty: The grocery store manager would be forced to go home and lovingly inform his postpartum wife that her new jeans might be just a smidge tight and then let us all know how that worked out for him.

Head over to Jen's to add your Quick Takes.


Kris said...

I'd vote for ALL of these!! Especially the party bag one. Whose idea was that anyway?

Monica said...

Thank you for the laugh! So funny, so true.

Christine Laennec said...

Oh yes, those would be excellent laws!

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bobbi @ revolution of love said...

I am catching up on blogs so I'm a little late in commenting on this. But it is hilarious and so true! I love it. :-) I hope you have a blessed Easter season. BTW, I forgot to tell you that I tagged you for 5 Favorites and the Liebster Award. If you are into those kind of things the link is here: :-)